Experiencing joy.
The last few months have come and gone in a dream-like state. I always had my eyes set upon the freedom of time, and the comfort of financial stability, but I didn’t realise it would be within reach so soon. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not living it up and flush with cash, but I am experiencing a deep contentment that seemed so unattainable in my earlier years of survival. To set the scene, I grew up in poverty and learned to live with addiction in the household. I lived in low-socioeconomic communities and I have jarring memories of choices I made in adolescence that shouldn’t be the responsibility of a child.
I became exceptionally motivated to secure financial stability in an attempt to feel a sense of belonging, and to minimise the risk of my family being ostracised or missing out on advancement opportunities later in life (Crane et al., 2020). Unfortunately, this level of motivation developed into a maladaptive state, where I am prone to burnout and anxiety (Mojallal, 2021) with a continual struggle to ‘switch off.’ Honing my self-awareness over the years has been so critical in identifying when I am veering too close to the edge.
Cultural influences also played a role in shaping me. Growing up in a large Southeast Asian family instilled a collectivistic perspective (Hofstede et al., 2010), characterised by a deferential attitude towards elders and authority figures (Sastry & Ross, 1998). Growing up though, and integrating into a Western society, these ingrained values encountered a dissonance with the emphasis on individualism prevalent in this new cultural context (Iwamoto & Liu, 2010). This resulted in a period of internal conflict during early adulthood, as I navigated the tension between deeply held personal values and emerging desires for personal autonomy (Choi et al., 2008).
Against the backdrop of life’s complexities and the hurts healing of all of my upbringing, arriving at a place of contentment truly feels like a miracle. Self-awareness, exploring the past and how it shows up in my present, has been so valuable in getting to this sweet spot that I’ve lately been calling home.
